A Toronto Transformation


Dear Rob Ford,

Dear Rob Ford,

Being the recipient of a guilty verdict is never fun. It’s embarrassing to be removed from office for conflict of interest, although frankly, I don’t really see how it’s less embarrassing than your defence of not bothering to learn the rules that govern council either before or even after becoming our mayor.

It does lend fuel to my theory that, in fact, you hate being the mayor of Toronto. So here’s what I propose: Instead of trying to battering-ram your way back into office? Stop. Don’t appeal. Just look at this as a grand opportunity to stop being the mayor of a city whose citizens you so clearly despise.

Just think of the benefits:

No one would be outraged when you refused to participate in Pride

When you make useless proclamations about ridding the city of graffiti for good, no one will hear you and immediately graffiti your face all over town.

You won’t have to worry about being accosted by terrifying comedy show hosts warrior princesses.

You wouldn’t be too busy to keep your eyes on the road while driving.

Imagine it.

You could relax, throw on a comfy jersy, maybe take up yoga and let the constant expression of confused rage on your face melt away and do the thing you clearly love more than running the city: coach football.

Although you will have to come up with a new way to transport the team.

Insert “Gravy Train” joke here.

Follow me around, why dontcha?

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